Do I have battered women's syndrome?
Question:
I keep reading about the syndrome but I don't understand the stages they say you go threw and can't seem to really understand what the stages mean, having a hard time putting myself in some and every page I go describes things different . . . Can you help me understand and figure out if I have Battered Women's Syndrome "BWS"
Answers:
Disregard the jerk's statement about it being "Coward woman's syndrome". People who have never been through this know absolutely nothing about the processes of going through it. "Just leaving" is easier said than done.
Yes, you do have battered women's syndrome. Pure and simple. And you are also beginning to exhibit signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Being in an abusive relationship is just like living with an alcoholic, it is an extremely co-dependent situation you have yourself in.
First, you NEED to tell yourself that under NO circumstances, you DO NOT DESERVE to be hit. NO MATTER WHAT. You also need to find contact numbers for local battered women's shelters and GET OUT OF THERE. They have counseling that you can go through that will help you KEEP from going back to this man. You deserve better, and if you don't get out NOW and PERMANENTLY, he WILL eventually kill you.
Well first of all can you write down what type of stages you are going through and experiencing to that we can tell you if you are going through BWS.
You can't base your experience on a text book. If you were beaten, then it will take awhile to get past that. Usually being with someone who cares deeply for you, or just realizing you can stand on your own 2 feet and don't need anyone to make you who you are will help you feel strong enough to get over it. Talking to women friends helps. But as far as a Syndrome, sometimes we can make it bigger than it really is. Think of it just as a time in your life you don't want to repeat and have learned what type of men to stay away from.
I'm not sure but check out this site little momma.
http://www.mamashealth.com/abuse/bwomens...
if you feel like you have it you might but always go with your gut feeling on anything and everything.you know you...more than we will ever know.
Good Luck
So you "threw" him. You should have thrown him - out the door.
It's more like Coward woman's syndrome. Why have yourself battered? If your dad, brother, uncle or whatever won't stand up for you, the police and courts will.
Use the protection provided for you, it's a phone call away.
I have never heard of BWS so maybe it is difficult to get a definition of it because it is not a bona fide medically recognised condition?
Anyways, instead of trying to find a label for your feelings why not start with just one.. survivor.
You have come through a really difficult situation and have come out the other side - albeit with some indelible effects.
If you want to understand why it took you 2 years to leave, maybe you should look up the learned helplessness studies conducted by various psychologists.
If you want to understand about post-traumatic stress disorder, which you may have to some extent, there are 3 main stages, 1. emotional constriction 2. intrusion and 3. hyperarousal.
1. Emotional constriction means that you don't feel real highs/happiness and at the same time feel flat. It is caused by your body using it's own pain killers to dull your emotions often leaving you feeling little at all. It used to be thought they were just released when the body had real physical injury (such as service men or women) but now it is recognised that very stressful emotional situations can release the same response.
2. Intrusion is where you keep going over the events of the past. In many ways your thoughts can get stuck. Also it means that your amygdala (the place in your brain thought to store memories/be connected with fear) has imprinted these memories more strongly - given their seriousness meaning they are harder to shake off.
3. Hyperarousal - this refers to you being on alert mode. The way you would act or react if you met danger, but in your case even though the danger is gone - you still respond as if the danger was real. A good example is say, you were lying in bed at night and hear a noise, most people's auditory cortex processes the information first identifying a sound and then concluding for example (after the amygdala is consulted to see if the sound is familiar) that it is just the cat. Someone with PTSD might be fooled by their memories by concluding (wrongly) that the sound was a car bomb or whatever.
In your case though, you may find that when you next get into relationships you experience this sometimes - but just mind it is your brain saying 'I know this situation and this means danger..'
All of these symptoms are not indelible but your healing will take time. You might not even have PTSD not all people who suffer trauma get it, those who feel helpless are more likely to develop it but it ain't set in stone.
Above all I say - know that his actions were not your fault. Germaine Greer was famously said 'women have no idea how much men hate them' - whilst I'd never apply that to all men there is certainly evidence of individual men feeling this way for sure. Domestic abuse is just one outlet for this. Compounded by the fact that in the beginning often the abuser is the most amazing partner ever and it is the memory of this that keeps the victim there. That first/intital person was a fallacy though.
Someone who loves you (no matter what tears they shed after and no matter what they profess - actions in this case are louder than words) do not hurt you like this. Next time you meet someone tell him not to tell you he loves you but show you.
Heart goes out to ya. Once had a brief relationship where the bloke turned out to be a psycho. It was not pleasant and I am just glad I had enough life experience to ditch him PDQ and get my life back quickly.
It can happen to any woman - or man for that matter so don't be too hard on yourself. Take it a day at a time and write about how you feel - some people find this really cathartic.
All the best - and if you need a friend at this tough time just e-mail me.
BTW - Don't beat yourself up over the wuda, cuda, shuda thing either... there is strong psychological evidence to show that during pair mating/bonding (ie when you meet someone and get to know them) that a part of our brain to do with judgement gets inhibited meaning we exagerate our partners good points and try to explain or make allowances for their bad points - in an abusive relationship this can mean for a long time it is hard to see things the way they are rather than the way we would like them to be.
We are programmed to make the best of encounters but as you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear do not give him another thought. He is not the man you thought he was otherwise he would not have put you through this hell.
No man is worth your tears because any man worth anything would not have made you cry in the first place.
Day by day - things will get easier and you will get the spring back in your step.
Give him not another thought.
ANY man who raises a hand in anger at a woman is a psychotic jerk.
THIS
IS
NOT
YOUR
FAULT
!!!!!!!
BWS is just another Syndrome invented to sell books, akin to ADHD. You were ( I hope it is "were") with a man who had some serious self-esteem problems, and took them out on you. You put up with abuse, possibly because you also had some self-esteem problems.
Let me tell you the Straight Dope: It Is Not Your Fault. It Is His. "If You Just Shut Up For One Minute And Listen" is merely justification for tyranny.
Do not buy in to that. All choices you make are your own. Dump the Pig.
Listen, hon, I feel for you so deeply, I cried. For years and years I went through this. I hurt just thinkig about what you're going through, it takes me back. way back. It's very confusing this BWS, but yes I believe you suffer from this strange, baffiling syndrome. What women let men do to us, it's abhorring what we'll put up with. It took me years to understand that I WAS SOMEBODY. I was NOT a punching bag, or a spitoon, or a piece of *** any time he felt like getting it. It took me awhile to realize that YES I am a WOMAN and am to be treated as such. You have a long hard road to travel, but know that there are people thinking about you and praying that you realize you're worth 100 of him. It's hard because naturally we don't want to be alone, it's in our nature to mate, but not with dogs... (ha, ha). Much love to you sister and my thoughts and prayers are with you.
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