I am having to referee between husband and son and am going crazy?

Question:

I am married 2nd husband, son from previous marriage. Husband & son argue all the time. Am caught in between. Husband feels that my son does not respect him. My son is 18 and will leave for college in about 1 month. I hate to see him go, but he is a good kid and is going to a really good school. My husband feels that my son should ask his permission for everything; to have a friend(s) over, to go somewhere etc. He is constantly telling him to clean bedroom, clean bathroom, wash dishes, do laundry, cut grass, it is as if my husband gets mad if my son is just relaxing. Son at this point does not respect his step dad & just looks forward to leaving for college. He tells me that he hates to come home when step dad is home. I love husband & son & am caught in middle. When I talk to husband he says we are in this together & I never back him up. He has never had children &had terrible relationship with dad. Am I wrong to let my son stay away from home until he leaves for college?

Answers:
your son should come first and your husband should be willing to adapt.Perhaps have a round table discussion with everyone about priviledges that your son is entitled to because of his age and also some priviliedges that he can earn by doing chores would be helpful. That way everyone knows what is expected of them. At the age of 18 he should be entitled to a few things but because he is still at home earning some bonus priviledges isnt a bad idea either

Other Answers:
this may not be the case, but i'll throw it out there anyway.

sometimes, as a child is approaching leaving the home (ie: for college) the parent OR the child will subconciously create conflict so it is easier to leave the other person..

now that may not be the case, but if they got along fine before.. this could be the reason

anyway. good luck, and sorry you are stuck in the middle!

This is normal. All human groups have a pecking order. When the relative positions of the people in them are in doubt, fighting breaks out until someone is clearly dominant over the other. Your new husband is not related to your son by blood. There is no clear father over son dominance! He is not his father and can't act like he is. When he assumes that he is the father figure and tells him what to do, this causes annoyance in your son and and a desire to prove his place in the pecking order. To make matters worse, your son is on the cusp of being a man, so the adult dominance over child thing does not exist.

This is not a matter of respect. Disrespect is when a person ignores another persons place in the pecking order, especially if it is above him. If anything, your husband is disrespecting your son by claiming a position over him he is not entitled to by blood or merit.

You need to have a talk with your husband about this issue. He needs to interact with your son the same as he would when he has conflicts with people unrelated to him. He can't take liberties that he might assume with his own children or it is going to cause conflict and eventually alienation. Worst case scenario is your son will grow into a man and one day kick his stepfather's *** to settle the issue once and for all. That could break up your family.

It would be much better for them to negotiate based on positions of mutual respect. Just like any two people who were not related would do, when there is a conflict.

Your husband is doing what all in the animal kingdom do, that is protecting his right as a male to his female. Your son is male - conflict! Both of them vie for your attention - you will never change this. But be very careful that you don't lose a part of your son because of this. He could suffer for a long time and it could jeopardise future relationships with other women, if he feels you are letting him down in preference for another man.
I believe you have more right to make the rules for your son, than this stranger that has come into your son's life. Be strong, these scrappy rules your husband is trying to enforce, are not important in this last month you have with your son home. Make it caring and relax the rules a bit- better that than feel guilty later

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I am having to referee between husband and son and am going crazy?

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