Serious question from a concerned dad about visitation?
Question:
Answers:
I don't know how old your daughter is. If she's old enough to communicate with you via phone, email, etc., I'd suggest doing that so you keep in touch with her. Meanwhile, make up a schedule of when you want your daughter to be with you. Give your ex the schedule and tell her you will be picking your daughter up from her school on the day you spent with her. Go to your daughter's school with the document showing you have visitation right and make sure they let you pick your daughter up on that day. While you are with her, pay full attention to her so she will be looking forward to the visit.
Other Answers:
You are a great Dad for not forcing it through the courts !
But at the same time I as the Father would want to hear it from Janea herself. If she told me that she would rather not come for a visit then I would say ok but you know I am always here.
you shouldn't push her, she needs to feel ready and able to see you. its awful to be forced to do something you don''t want to do, and this is an extemely big thing to push her into, so for her sake, dont push.
Keep the lines of communication open and possibly get with your ex about making a day in the park so your daughter can see you and see that you have not changed. Then you can explain how much you would like to see her and spend more time with her. DO NOT put the child on a guilt trip. She has enough to worry about already.
Don't force the issue but don't walk away either. Divorce takes time for everyone to heal.
you should talk about it some more with her. Why doesn't she want to visit you. Did she tell you herself why she didn't want to go. If she scared or something then maybe you could give her a few highlights of what you wo would do. Maybe like take her to see a movie. It would depend on how old she is.
How old is your daughter? I am finding it hard to believe she does not want to visit you unless her mind has been poisoned against you. Get your visitation if your daughter does not seem well adjusted then get her into family counseling.
Your daughter may blame you even if the divorce was not your fault. Show up at the appointed place and time and have your ex do the same. If your daughter sees that the two of you can still get along even though you aren't married, she might be more willing to come around. Also, you didn't mention this but does Janea have her own room at your place? If not, she might feel that you don't have room for her. Make a point to call her and ask how she is and tell her that you miss her. This will take time, but hopefully it won't be long.
Coming from someone that has been through it.
"being the child" I resented my dad for trying to force me.
Be persistent and understanding, let it be her idea to visit but encourage it all the time.
Remember you are dad and not the enemy, so do nothing that makes you look inconsiderate of her feelings.
I don't know your situation but usually one if not both parents use the child as a pawn and this turns the child on the the parent(s).
Not always the case but holds true in many cases.
Keep the line of communication open.
I wish that my dad thought like you do!! I think that you shouldn't force your daughter to see you. You need to pray for your daughter, if she will talk to you on the phone that would be good or communicate through mail or e-mail. Let her know that you care and encourage her, she will come around.
You have a right to see your daughter and at least have a sit down talk with her. Sounds like she is confused and needs to hear your side of the story. I would tell your wife that you NEED a visit with your daughter whether she wants it or not. A heart to heart might change everything. Who knows what is going through her mind. Don't let her go on resenting you. No telling what kind of crap she's being told. I grew up thinking my dad didn't WANT to see me. Only to find out as an adult that my mother was keeping us apart for her own security. Take your visit and let your daughter know how you feel. It's your right by LAW. And she needs you in her life whether or not she knows it right now.
Don't force it.
if you are sure that ur X is not banning her from visiting, and not talking badly about u or negatively infront of her (u can know by directly asking ur X an honest question but be calm pls)
divorce is very hard on children she probably think its her fault or that u don't love her.
what u can do is..show that even though u got divorced from her mom and that u both live alone now.. it doesnt mean that u hate ur X (even if u do, its pointless and unhealthy for ur daughter to know that.)
pretend to be ok, just to keep things going good.. maintain a good relation .. not like before im not expecting u .. because its painful enough for u and i feel ur pain..
but for the sake of ur daughter..put her first.
u can get close to her by making some activites together. pretend that ur friends with ur X , don't fight infront of her, and don't show ur hatred and anger infront of the daughter and advice ur X the same thing if she's doing it.
do the activites that used to be fun for u guys..
take her out.. u should try to get close to her but don't pressure her..
give her time..and allow her to feel sad..
she's angry and hurt..
maybe u didn't tell her or take her opinion about it..
so my advice is:
1) leave the court outside of the subject.
2) make an agreement with ur X to put aside ur feelings n relation and all that in one side and ur daughter on the otherside.
3) if ur X wants to help, ask her to try to give a positive expalanation/look/execuse..wha. to the divorce.
4) take her out to a place she likes so much that has a special memory of u and her.. or give her a gift she can't refuse or return and then try to show her u care.
5) divorcing her mom does NOT mean u divorce her. does NOT mean u hate her. does NOT mean u have abandoned her. it means that in order to give her (ur daughter) the best quality of life they can (socially/mentally) u and her mom decided to divorce. because u weren't able to continue and go on with eachother and still have a healthy environment for her growth and emotions.
6) and finally, don't pressure her and don't lose hope.
Good luck!!
I hope you have confirmed this with her and haven't just taken the word of your Ex, If it were me and i had been told this by my daughter i would try my hardest to talk it out with her because you don't know what she might be thinking, please just make sure that this was Janea's choice not your ex wifes.
By the way i like the name Janea!
Quick!
I think you should first determine whether it is truly your daughter who doesn't want to visit. If she is old enough to discuss this, find out why. Perhaps she would be more comfortable with shorter visits-- a trip to a restaurant, a day at the zoo, etc. Then when these go well, you could have her over to your place for the day.
If she's young, she may feel uncomfortable spending the night away from home, even if she loves Daddy. My son loves his father, but until he was about 8 he was really unhappy spending the night. He still went, but he missed "home".
If she's older, she may not want to take time away from her friends, so maybe there's a way to include them. Again, back to the idea of going out to eat, to a concert, etc.
Make sure that you're calling on a regular basis-- at least 3 times a week. As adults, we may think that once or twice a week or less is fine, but children have short memories. Ideally, a short phone call every day would be great. After all, when you lived with her you talked to her every day.
Finally, if you can be at all amicable, discuss this with your ex. If you can't be amicable, I'd see a family counselor who can serve as a mediator. Discuss things with her when your daughter is not around. Maybe your ex could bring your daughter over to your house and stay for a while, then leave her for maybe an hour before coming back to pick her up.
If your daughter makes clear that she does not want to visit at all, I'd continue phoning on a regular basis and maybe going over to visit her if your ex is okay with that. If she's young and she still seems to not want to visit, I'd be tempted to get the court to enforce the visitation or some form of it, even if you only see her for a few hours, because there's no way to tell whether this is really coming from her or from her Mom.
I am angry at the courts in your situation. It is my opinion that the one who had the affair obviously did not care about the child's well-being and what the child will go through emotionally. I am not the courts, but if I were, you would have full custody of your daughter. (2 cents)
Now, for your question, you are a great father for thinking about your daughter's well being first. However, does your daughter really not want to see you or is this your ex talking? This sounds like your ex has been "brainwashing" your daughter. Your ex is using your daughter to hurt you. Your ex needs to realize that she can get in serious trouble with the law, and it could be as serious as kidnapping. By then she will definitely lose all custody of the child. If you have contact, you or someone might want to let her know of the consequences. Not seeing you is not what your daughter wants.it's what your ex-wife wants.
As long as you are being truthful about the situation that you are a wonderful father, then force the issue! She will be much happier for the contact with you. Just be loving and fun when you are with her, dont bad mouth you exwifes behavior. But you absolutely need to be part of your childs life! She will love you even more for it. Just set it straight right away that you are the adult and she is the child, and she has to understand you are in charge of her life until she is a grown up. Even with the divorce you still have a say in how she spends her time especially during the time you have your visitation.
Source(s):
Life and divorce with children.
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