My friend was physically abused as a child. Is forgiveness the only anwser?
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Answers:
Stella,
I would love to help your friend.. I too was abused as a child and can relate to the issues at hand.. I know for a fact that forgiveness is the best answer..
I come from a large family 9 kids and growing up was hell to put it lightly.. I chose to confront them in my adult life.. some of the things i told them they had no memory of.. my response was "just because you don't remember it doesn't mean it didn't happen to me" My father was an alcoholic child beater and my mother was the submissive house wife that watched all her children get abused. * this was back in a time when beating your children was "ok" *shaking head
anyway i was the only one to forgive them and move on emotionally.. I even was the faithful daughter and called every sunday.. and when they both died i had no regrets about things i wished i had said.. my brothers and sisters on the other hand were crying like banshees..
one of my brothers couldn't understand why i forgave them, another even said i had no right to forgive them.. i told them i didn't do it for my parents i did it for ME.. i didn't want them to die without me " getting it off my chest" as i told my siblings i didn't want to get sucked into the grave with them ..
i would love to carry on this conversation in pvt.. there is so much more to say as this is a complex situation. (e-mail me)
just being a friend to her means alot. people like us have trouble trusting anyone. so if she is open enough to share her "stories" with you.. feel honored.. when she starts talking about her past reassure her that she is safe now. all she has to do is confront, forgive and live.
tell her to check out http://www.joelosteen.com he is wonderful. we watch him on TV on sundays.. he gives messages of hope..
God Bless & take care
someone once told me this: ( taken from a saved e-mail):
I perceive you as a woman who has learned the magic of making lemonade from lemons (not an easy task), found creative outlets and ways to express your buoyant personality, has learned how to cut losses and look ahead with optimism, took your childhood as a lesson in how-not-to-raise-children rather than perpetuating the pain, and has learned well that bitterness poisons the vessel as well as everything it is poured upon
Other Answers:
hatred works to
No she does not have to forgive but she has to come to terms with what has happened.
She has to realise that it was not her fault and she does not have to let it
hold her back.
You do not have to imagine what she has been through, just be there when she needs to talk things through.
it's not sympathy or understanding she needs it's a listening ear, a friendly smile someone that will let her cry without having to explain.
One foot in the past and one foot in the future and your pissing on today. If she keeps the victim additude then that is all she will ever be. Put the blame thrower down and accept the part I played in those situations and stop feeling shame/guilt about the situations that I had no control over has helped me. this is a tough one.. ..really your friend should go to counselling if she has not been already, the scars of abuse can be very deep
, and yes forgiveness can help but there will still be bitterness there. I also have a friend that was abused as a child and even now it still haunts her (she is 30). Its not as bad as ten years ago. she went to counselling which she said was one of the best things she ever did: even though it was very difficult,
There is not a lot you can do for her to be honest, apart from be there, and be a good friend, you can suggest things to her but at the end of the day its her own choice how she deals with her past.
I know what you mean about feeling helpless I felt the same way with my friend when she was going through some serious depression, you can just be there for her, have lots of fun, she probably does not expect anything from you.she just likes your friendship.
therapy, and confrntation and forgiveness if u are ready for it Forgive whom? The abuser? Only if he asks for it and means it.
Otherwise you need to see a counsler who can help you.
So was I. and I forgave long ago. but that doesn't stop me hurting every now and then. And it never will.
I moved back two years ago (not through choice but circumstance) to where I am surrounded by my past. seven houses form a circle round me, that have unhappy memories for me.
They say never go back, and it's good advice. Because I found myself crying bitter tears for things I'd long ago accepted and believed I'd put behind me. I guess my divorce didn't help my mood and primed me for it too.
I made myself walk and walk and walk around these houses and eventually, I met the owner of the home that formed the worst part of my past, and when I told her I grew up there, she insisted on inviting me in.
Seeing the place updated, totally released me from the past. What we hold inside our pain is the 'set' that we lived in. Logic tells us when the perpetrators are no longer there to hurt us, but emotion makes the 'place' continue to live inside our minds.
I said a prayer inside my old room and released the child that was myself from pain she'd carried far too long. And left on wings of joy.
Next day, I went to my granddad's house (the second worst nightmare) and told the owners I once lived there and asked if I could take a photo of the house. He did what I hoped he would do and invited me in. And I had the same experience again.
I can assure you, it is theraputic. I can pass them all now and they do not hold fear, or haunt me. In fact, for six months now, I'd forgotten, until I read this question.
Your friend's abusers may, like my parents and older siblings, have had serious emotional problems of their own and if she can try to understand their weakness and their fears, she may, like I did while still young, forgive.
When she does, she will move on again inside.
As you probably have noticed, I love my late parents dearly. though many think I shouldn't. Even in the midst of bad experience, there is a trace of gold. There are some happy times, and it is these we must focus on, for the progress of our soul.
Being a psychic medium, having met too many earthbound souls who stay because of fear, pain, anger, hate, I determined not to be one, to move on when my time is here. I am glad I went inside those houses, because my soul was haunting both of them. And living souls do haunt. Many haunted houses are merely being visited by the souls of those who live, but cannot let them go.
The woman told me that my room had a feeling of sadness every now and then. I felt bad about that, I knew it was my fault. So I said the prayer aloud and I left flowers on her step next day with a thank you card. Telling her, she had through one kind action, released the 'ghosts' (in my case the word is accurate) of my past.
You are there for her. her friend. that, is exactly what she needs. Be strong for her, let her talk and talk, or not, as the case may be. Don't try to imagine what she went through, if she wants to tell you, don't be awkward or embarrassed, or say anything trite like 'awful/sorry' just listen, take her hand, and let her come up for air, when she is ready.
She will, because you care! My friend listens, as I listen to her worries. She was my friend when it was all happening, 51 years ago, when we were 10. She 'knew' well what I went through, everyone in the neighbourhood did, which embarrassed me a lot to learn years later. Because I never told a soul.
Trust me on this one. don't be impatient with your friend, don't try to heal her in your time, she must do it for herself. She'll come out of it. She wouldn't be your friend if you hadn't shared some fun, so, be patient and keep on having fun and planning activities together.
As she ages, she will eventually overcome, as I have.
God Bless you both, she is a lucky girl to have you as a friend.
Understandably , you can forgive , but not forget.
Being traumatised leaves an indelable scar.
One can only hope that she can find solace in a good relationship and fill that void in her life.
I think forgiveness is one of the last things that a person can do to be freed from their past. I think what your friend needs to do first is work through some of the emotions that she is going through and try to come to a point where she can deal with the things that have happened in the past and understand that none of it was her fault. Only then will she be able to move on and be able to forgive the person for what they have done. Forgiveness is the biggest step she could take, if she can't do it in her own strength, or is reluctant to forgive at all, simply pray, God won't desert her.
she will never forgive what that person did to her , and quite rightly! In my experience i was very angry at people around at the time, ie my mom and dad who didn't recognise what was happening, how it was handled afterwards and for myself for allowing it to happen. It helped me to talk to my parents about it and in my own mind realise it wasn't anyones fault but his. I decided i wasn't going to let him ruin my life anymore. It did take me years to dothis though! don't know if thats any help.. one things for sure it's always good to have friends like you who care!
My personal experience of abuse has had many consequences throughout my life, because of this I strongly recommend that your friend seeks the help of a professional in this field, a counsellor or psychotherapist being a good place to start.
It may be, as it was for me, that they will need to see a number of different people before they find someone with whom they are happy to work with, they will need to feel comfortable working with every emotion / feeling that can be thought of as these are all involved and at different levels, my opinion is that this would be best addressed within a therapeutic relationship, they may reach a point where they can forgive or they may not the point is working through all aspects of how they are today so that they can move / work towards a full and satisfying life for themselves.
It takes time and effort, it has not been easy and even though I think I have dealt with some of the more obvious points in relation to the events I continue to work with aspects of it in my therapy today, though not exclusively as I am training as a therapist myself now.
People can and do 'move on' but as I say it takes work and plenty of courage and strength, that they have confided in you is a good start.
Please feel free if you wish to contact me via email.
Go Well and hopes for eventual happiness for your friend. You sound like a great friend to have. Only your friend knows if forgiveness is the answer. Personally I think you have to say I survived this, it was wrong but it was not my fault, however what I have been through shaped the person I am today. If your friend needs more help than you can give suggest a good therapist.
Look after yourself too. It can be hard supporting someone with emotional problems
I work with children who have been abused in any number of ways and I truly believe that forgiveness is not the only answer. Your friend may never know why what happened happened but she/he must decide that the person/s who ruined her/his childhood should not have the power to ruin her/his whole life. Take revenge by being the best you can be at whatever you choose to do in life and in that way stick two fingers up at the abuser.
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