I'm so depressed.. Some please help me with my screwed up life..?

Question:

I have been involved in an unhealthy relationship for over a year now. My boyfriend is a recovering drug addict and has bipolar disorder, ADHD. I have bipolar disorder, OCD, and ADD. When we first met he lied to me about being clean. He was still using and conned/stole money from me. He claimed that he was paying off his former drug dealers because they were threatening him. He told me that one put a gun to his head and demanded his money. I gave him money for this over some months, but after one dealer was ‘paid’ he always came across another one that he owed. I knew he was lying inside but I didn’t accept it. Our relationship was off and on and very painful. He abused me physically and verbally beyond belief. Sometimes punching me, burning me, and choking me for almost no reason while coming off of the drugs.

I fooled around on him with my ex boyfriends a few times in-between our fights and high school weekend break-ups, but we were still together technically. When he found out he hit me and said such horrible things to me that I broke down and groveled at his feet. He humiliated me so badly that I wanted to die and disappear. He pressured a knife to my throat and told me all he had to do was move to the left. I begged him not to with tears and fear in my eyes while his eyes were cold green. He lifted it up and then said I had a choice; he then coaxed me into taking a bunch of his pills and to overdose one them. I was so depressed that I didn’t care; I just want to be unconscious and not feel anymore. I slept for about 19 hours and woke up in a daze. He demanded I drive home but I was too dizzy to do so. He kept harassing me over and over again until I couldn’t take it anymore. I called the police because I just wanted to get out of the house. I was so embarrassed because his parents were there and they were upset, I was so ashamed of myself. The police questioned him and looked at the knife mark on my neck. They took me to the hospital, and I was stuck there for hours. I found out that they had only questioned him and left, even though he had done what he did to me. I was so alone and upset, I had to call my ex-boyfriend to pick me up all the way from another town about 40 miles away. He took me home and comforted me. I found out later that he told his parents only that I tried to kill myself because I cheated on me and he threatened me with words. I was heartbroken because he didn’t tell them the whole truth and they thought I was a total psycho.

He finally told the truth in the following months, and I found out that he had cheated on me too, accept that he had lied about it unlike I did. I found out that he stole money from me, and wasn’t paying off his dealers, he was just getting more drugs. After everything that happened, I found it hard to trust him again and still do. But today things are tremendously better. He has been clean for months and has been treating me so much better. The only problem is that now I have been angry at him for everything and can’t seem to open up and love him. I am mean to him almost all of the time now, putting him down about who he is. I’m dissatisfied with who he is, and let him now it everyday. I know I’m wrong to do this, and I really need to change. I always bug him because I don’t think he’s doing well enough. He is trying to stop smoking, but relapses every so often. He hasn’t had a job in two years and doesn’t really take care of himself as most people do. He didn’t buy me anything for Christmas or my birthday, not even an e-card and little things like that make me resent him. We still fight but when he gets angry he goes so far as in to beat me down until I want to die. I am mean but I stop at a certain point if he gets too upset or depressed.

Now, I’m upset because he won’t talk to me because he’s ‘fed up’ with my personality. We are both angry and want to find a solution but can’t seem to find one. We tried to break up but get too lonely and miss each other. I can’t make up my mind what to do and change everyday. I found out some horrible news last night that brought up horrible memories and created a conflict between me and my family. I haven’t talked to any of them out of sheer anger and bitterness so I have no one right now. I need him and he refuses to be there for me now. I am feelings so bad, have cried my eyes bloody, and have started to feel nauseated because I’m so upset. He hasn’t called me and blocked his number. Why is he so cruel? Why hasn’t he been there for me like I was for him when he needed me most? Why won’t he try to forgive me for my flaws like I try to do for his? How can he have been so cruel? What should I do?

Answers:
I'm sure you are a smart girl, but your choices are questionable.
A relationship is all about love, caring, communication, growth, a sense of safety and nuturing. I don't see any of these things between you and your boyfriend.
Furthermore, all human beings have limits when it comes to physical/emotional abuse, lies, deception, etc... Basically, you've far exceeded that limit which explains your current state of mind.
You have A LOT of healing to do on account of what your boyfriend did to you in the past. You need to move on and treat yourself better. Fill your life with people you can grow with, who will alleviate your stresses rather then be the cause. You deserve much better then this.

First: Leave him.

Then get your head back on straight by seeing a shrink.

don't do any relationships until you are well. Try going to CODA for group sessions. (they are cheap).

good luck.

Go see a counselor. Dump the loser boyfriend. Get a hobby.

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I'm so depressed.. Some please help me with my screwed up life..?

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