How do I stop myself from ruining my relationship because of my abandonment issues?

Question:

Before I was born, my father left my mother, and my dad was never around. Since I was little, I've had abandonment issues. I would go to my aunts house over a weekend, and I'd cry uncontrolably when my mom would come to pick me up. I also remember doing the same thing when I would get really close to my babysitters, mom's friends, etc. Now I see that I am protruding this feeling of abandonment onto my boyfriend. It's like I have these panic attacks and I feel like there is this huge hole in the pit of my stomach. I always have doubts any time he says he loves me, or that he will do something for me, see me later, you name it, I doubt it. I also hold things inside because I'm affraid he won't want to understand this issue and he'll leave me. I know it sounds so pathetic, but I can't help myself, and I don't want to loose my boyfriend, he's a good guy, and I'm hurting him by feeling this way. Has anyone delt with an issue like this? How do I stop my feelings and get my mind straight?

Answers:
First of all - I have to give you SO MUCH credit for giving your "father" a second chance. You were the grown-up in that situation, and it sounds like you're a pretty amazing person.

As for your feelings of abandonment, try to remember that those feelings are a part of the relationships you've had with people you love, particularly your dad. You can't really address it alone, especially if it's something that affects your relationship with your boyfriend. Explain it to him. You say he's a good guy and I believe you. Once he knows everything, he can help by being supportive and understanding your feelings better.

I think counseling actually would be a great idea, and it's awesome that you thought of it yourself - that means you're probably open to the idea of getting counseling. Definitely look into it - your school probably has something where kids who only have one parent can talk. Usually these kids have abandonment issues like yours, due to divorce, separation, death of a parent, etc. They can understand and give you advice as a peer and a friend who knows what you've been through.

If you really want to try it yourself, try making some really good friends by joining club or activities, etc., so that you have a really strong support system of people you like and feel close to. That'll probably help alot. There are also books you can get to try to understand your own feelings better - Here's one that is a collection of true stories and how people got through it:
Changing Course: Healing from Loss, Abandonment and Fear (Paperback)
by Claudia Black

You mistake your past for who you are. Let go of it.

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How do I stop myself from ruining my relationship because of my abandonment issues?

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