How to rectify something that is totally broken,can it be done?
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Listen carefully, Dear:
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
When people have an addiction (like your husband does) they take out their pain and fears on the people they love the most. It is perfectly normal for him to do that given his situation. But you don't have to take it. You have two choices:
1. Leave him-gives him a chance to see that he really needs you in his life and once he cleans himself up he will want to get you back. Then, it is up to you whether you want to take him back or not.
2. Get professional help-I see you are already looking for help and that is good. But you should also seek out a support group such as Al-Anon which consists of people in your same situation. It will be a tremendous help to you as you try to work through this if you have someone who understands your situation because they have been there.
Please, hang in there! It does get better! I will keep you in my prayers.
Dealing with someone who displays addictive behave is not easy. You definatly need to work on getting healthy yourself before you can help anyone else through anything or be there for anyone else. I am a member of Al-Anon and you might try going to a meeting either Al-Anon or Nac-Anon. Al-Anon helped me to learn how to go forward and take care of myself...
If you've been having problems since childhood. You should have been in counseling years ago. I'm glad you're finally going. Your husband has problems too. If he could not deal with things you should have both gone to counseling. Instead he turned to drugs and is using you as an excuse. I don't know how old your children are. However, from experience, I believe you all need counseling. Your husband needs to know most people with mental disorders abuse or have used some form of drugs. Even, pot can cause it. Lot's of people don't believe that. However, just because you don't believe something does not mean it's not true. The entire family needs counseling immediately. It can & will snow ball. P.S. He has to be happy with himself and you with yourself. Before you can make each other or anyone else happy.
Sweetheart, you sound desperate.
The councelling you start next week will be a great help, but before hand hold on.you may have childhood issues...but you may have a chemical inbalance...so check this out with y our doctor.some simple medication may just be right to put you back on track...ask professionals.
Your husband also has problems...drugs and alchohol are not good...he may need help.
If you know you are rejecting your husband...why don't you grit your teeth and get in there.buy him the book that he has been looking for .or cook his favourite dinner...
tell him that you would like a cuddle...try it...you know what the problem is REJECTION so have a go at not rejecting him...
go and put some nice clothes on...and have a nice meal together.explain that you are getting some help...it will take time ..but that you really don't want to reject him.ask him to take it slow for a few weeks.then hold his hand.
Good luck with the councelling next wek
love
Annie
This is not your fault.
I was married for several years to a man who blamed all of his problems on me. Not realizing how I was reacting to this (which was accepting it as truth and allowing him to continue with it until I was finally so broken down and unsure of myself, I was nearly consumed by my own darkness), in which he was feeding off of it, and it made it worse.
Your husband is using you as a crutch. You still have issues from your childhood, and probably revert back to those same feelings you had as a child when he talks to you. In your mind, it must be your fault? How can you make yourself a better person? What else can you do to make yourself better in his eyes? Yes, these are the things that I went through as well. I did have a nervous breakdown because of it. By the end of it, I was a shell of a person.
You need to stop this right now, or it is only going to get worse. You love your husband? If you do and you want it to work, then he will have to have help. The longer you bow down and let him continue, the worse it is going to get. You are an enabler, even though you don't mean to be.
Seek help. He needs counciling and so do you. You have got to gain more confidence in yourself. He doesn't define you, nor does anyone else. You have to build yourself back up, as long as he can blame you, he will. Until you realize it isn't your fault...nothing can happen. Be strong for your husband, be strong for your children, and be strong for yourself.
Look at yourself in the mirror, take a deep breath, and repeat this phrase..It is not my fault.
Then, collect yourself, and sit down and talk to your husband. If you don't feel comfortable doing this, then seek help from family or friends (believe me, even if you don't think they know there is a problem, they probably do) if you don't feel comfortable with this, get help from a counciler...but just do it.
Our childhood has a massive effect on how we deal with not only ourselves but also any future relationships we may have.
Some people have an ability to weight it all up, deal with it and move on unfortunalty you can only do this if you have faced those demons. There may not be an answer as the people you want answers from are not going to talk about it as they have their own demons or they re just not around to enable you to sort things out.
It is not only you that have the demons so does unfortunatly your husband and not only do you need help so does he and only then can you come together and sort out your propblems. I hope that makes sense.
You are not to blame and you are doing to very important things first you have talked about it and also seeking help not just on here but also seeing a professional next week.
My advise to you is be as open, honest as you have to us to the professional. They will ask you a question, you will reply and then another question will come as they have to find out everything about you and where the core problem is. Eventually there will be light at the end of the tunnel.
You are a human being, you are kind, caring, considerate and that comes through as you are worried about your children and husband. You have now got to look after you for your children's sake you do not want them to carry on this in their future relationships.
You are not to blame for how your husband feels I would be almost 100% sure his childhood something somewhere happened to him for him to have so much low self esteem he trys to make you feel bad too.
All you can do is hold your head up high, know you are a good person, that you are seeking the help you need and maybe they will also be able to help your husband or give you better coping stratergy to think clear as to how to handle him.
I wish you good luck and please post how you get on next week or I will be wondering how you are.
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