Help for a burned out, shy stay at home mom?
Question:
I just feel like I am dragging all the time, like I am trying to get my motors started everyday to get through one long stressful yet boring, unexciting day. I think I am just really really burned out. I feel moody and irritable much of the day. Sometimes I feel like I am in a depression, sometimes I just feel like I have no desire to do this. I feel like I am doing the same thing over and over. I have no contact with the adult world. My kids, of course, are being kids, but it would feel nice for someone to realize I am a person with needs too.
Answers:
It sounds like you've lost yourself in motherhood. Don't worry, it happens to all of us! They don't call it the hardest job in the world for nothing. You've already conquered the hard part which is realizing it. You need to find ways to make your day less boring and more exciting. You really have to force yourself to get out of the house with the kids. Start off with at least 3 times a week. Take them to the park. Take them to play at McDonald's. Take them to visit an old friend or a relative. This will start to rid the "groundhog day" feelings. Mix it up a little, go different places just make sure you are getting out. While you are out, strike up conversations with other mothers that you see. Open up, tell them how you're feeling and I PROMISE, you will meet others that are either feeling the same way or used to feel the same way. This will give you some much needed adult contact. You'll be floored with how many mothers are going through the same exact thing as you. Don't be afraid to tell them how much you enjoy talking to them and give out your phone number. Also let them know how you are about calling, you'll find someone who will call you. Once you make some friends with kids, your outings will include meeting up with others, having them over to your house or going to their house. Kids are a great way to make friends.
Another thing you need to do is find some way to get some time alone. No kids, no husband. Hire a sitter or take the kids to a relatives house while your husband is at work. Even if it's just a few hours a week, time alone will really help get rid of some stress and you'll be a better mother and wife for it. Don't use the time to be productive, just veg out a little. Take a hike in the woods, read a book, stare off into space. Just BE.
You also need to let your husband know how you are feeling. You need his help. It sounds like he's off working much of the time and I know exactly how that is. Let him know that when he IS home, you need family time with him and couple time too. Make dates, go to places where you guys can reconnect as a couple. Find ways to look forward to the time you can spend together. Also, when he is home, let him have alone time with the kids as well so that you can escape a little. Remember that he needs down time too and arrange for him to have his alone time as well. He will really appreciate it.
My last bit of advice is for you to rediscover your passion. What is it that you loved doing before the kids came along? Are you doing it now? Do you have a hobby or interest that gets you going? If you do, start doing it again. If you didn't have something before, it's time to find out what that is now. Having something that you love doing is a great way to get you through the day. You need something to look forward to. Kids go to bed at night, don't spend that time cleaning or zoning out at the TV. Use that time to do your hobby. That few hours of time before bed while kids are sleeping is like gold to me. My passion is music. After I put the kids to bed, I light some candles, pour a glass of wine, sit at my piano with headphones on and write songs. I LOVE it. I look forward to it and I can really tune into the kids knowing that I have this time after they get to sleep.
If you can do these things, I promise you can turn around how you feel in a very short period of time. If I had your number I'd call you and check in...and make sure you were making changes! Hang in there and know that you can turn it around and be the most positive influence in your kids life. You will also spark some lost passion in your marriage. Most of all, you will start building your sense of self worth again. You can do this. Good luck :)
I think it would help you to get a sitter every now and then and have a night or a day out..
You could try starting a garden,...or possibly riding a bike. Go biking with your kids in the park or something. Go find a river or a stream. See what's under that rock ! Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and get out there in the world. Cautiously of course. And most importantly, "Smile:)" The world will find you !
Start off by emailing an old friend or family member then just start meeting them for dinner you and your husband...get someone to watch the kids and ask your husband to get ready and you two just go out with friends also sometimes going out alone just the two of you would be fine too. Make plans that include the entire family and a few others for example bowling with neighbors, starting a neighborhood BBQ...just invite a few over and try to enjoy.smiles
i am right there with you. i have always worked out of the home until my third child was born, and then i decided with cost of daycare and such it would just be better to stay home and plus its something i really wanted to do. i feel the same way. no adult conversation during the day. hubby at work all day long so he cant talk. i am also fairly shy and have a hard time initiating friendships. finally, i did get involved with a playgroup thinking that might help. well, it gets us out of house once a week, but still having a problem with really connecting to a friend.
i have a hard time getting motivated in the morning to do anything also, it is always the same routine. kids are kids, and i love them very much too. just wish i had friends who werent extreme fans of dora and blues clues! if you would like to talk you can email me. sounds like we have alot in common.
try connecting with neighbors with children the age of your own - like arranging playdates - will allow you adult contact and quiet self invested time when your kids are at other home
playing
go to park - as your kids play engage in conversation on any level with other parents .. parents love to talk to their kids afterall
get involved with your kids in a church - this will offer encouragement, companionship and activity
sure you are a great mom but you all need outside friends too
One of the things I can recomend it to take your kids to a party and if you see another mom, around there just go by her and if she is sitting just say, It's ok if I can sit here, and then just start talking about stuff, that you see in tv, the weather, The hardest is initiating the conversation the rest is a piece of cake, beleive it or not. It's kinda like datiting, even though is not, and if your kids are young go to the school and if you see some of the parents of your kids friends, go up to them and ask if it's ok for their kids to have a play day toguether, and just follow with and maybe you want try a cup of tea, of a really good recepi that you have. Or the same with one of your kids birthday, Invite their friends parents and just initial conversations with the moms, It will be so much fun and your just going to get better at it, the more you do it.
Good luck
I can so relate to your feelings! I myself have 5 children and stayed home with them and homeschooled up until last year. It's always hard when you have young children because they constantly need your attention and are getting into things. You may want to find out the reasons you are having these phobias and get some help for that. Anytime we have social fears, we tend to "hole" up and feel isolated. I speak from experience here. The thing that helped me through the years was to find a hobby or a "cause" that I really enjoyed and could work on. For me it was natural birth and breastfeeding. I became a certified Le Leche League Leader and helped other moms who wanted to breastfeed their kids. I also became a certified doula (professional labor assistant) and helped mothers and fathers have the births they wanted. That is my passion though, that may not be for you, LOL. Yours might be painting or animals or something else. Find your passion and start expanding on it. You're not a bad mom for feeling like you want to be away from your kids now and then. And if anyone tells you that you are...SCREW them! They don't walk in your shoes every day. You ARE a person with needs and you need adult conversation, you need to get out. Maybe find a babysitting co-op in your area or a mom's day out type thing. Maybe find a teenager that you trust to sit with your kids while you go out and get your nails done, go shopping by yourself, go to the park or find what you're passionate about. That will put that spark back in your life, it really will. This past year, I went back to college and I'm loving it. I qualified for a year's worth of free day care and I'm taking advantage of it. Five years ago I would have fainted if someone had told me that *I* would have put my kids in day care. I vowed I would NEVER do that. But ya know what, they're fine, they are loving it and so am I. I have a freedom to do what I want, because I deserve it. I hope this helps.
You sound a lot like I was when my kids were young. It was tough because I had always worked and that was my socializing. Staying home can be very isolating. What helped me was to get outside in the morning, for a walk or to a park, or some sort of easy outing every morning. Some mornings I would load up the kids and go to a drive through like Burger King and get breakfast. It didn't involve much effort but it would jump start the day and be something different. When I started walking, eventually I met a neighbor who was in the same predicament. She asked if I would mind if she went along with us on our walks. We had time to talk and eventually became good friends.
If you have the resources you could check into the YMCA or another gym where they have activities for kids to do while Mom works out. Some churches have a Mom's Day out program as well. Good luck, you are not alone.
well, you obviously can get onto the internet. consider some of the socializing outlets on the net (like YouQA.com ) or games, etc. also, look into your local churches they often have social groups.
Peace+
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