Doesn't it take more courage to say no than to say yes?
Question:
One of my ex-friends kept borrowing money from me until it totaled more than $2,000. I have no idea why I kept saying yes when he never had the ability to pay me off. Another ex-friend took me for a car and some cash. Together, they took me for close to $4,000.
There were two women who used me (both connected to the 2nd ex-friend). One I thought I loved and wanted to help, so when she asked me for money I gave it to her. I repeated the mistake later the same year with another woman, I gave her cash and bought her things -- I lost a lot in 8 days and then it was over. Together, they took me for over $1,000.
If I had just had the courage to say no, I could have saved myself the money and the heartache.
Answers:
They aren't manipulating you, you are manipulating yourself. They are faciliating your bad behavior and helping you abuse yourself. You even pay them for abusing you. It's a reward/pain cycle that YOU are perpetuating.
You could circumvent the pain process and just step on your own toe really hard; then you could put the extra money you save into a 5% CD and save a bundle. You could attach your abuse pattern to the lunar cycle. We'll call it the Lunar Cycle of Destruction. On the full moon cycle, step on your own toe. Two, Take money you would ordinarily reward to someone else for abusing you, put it into an online brokerage CD paying 5.25%. Each lunar cycle, do this self-abuse thing and you'll be fairly comfortable when you retire. Your toe may have to be amputated eventually.
You could also find someone to buy into your self-abuse, but do it much more cheaply. Of course, if you have them on the payroll, you may have to pay their health insurance, social security and medicare. Pay them as private contractors. You could call the job, "Cycle Perpetuators."
And HEY, you don't have to say, "No." You could use a whole dictionary full of other words and phrases, like:
Mom's Approach:
* That didn't work out well the last time.
* How do I know you'll pay me back?
Healthy Answers:
* I like our relationship the way it is. If I loan you money, it will ruin everything.
* Let's not make our about money? It's would cheapen everything and I like you way too much for that.
* I think helping you might be destructive for both of us.
Mean:
* I've never thought of our relationship in terms of prostitution before. This might be exciting. Can I call my friends to drum up some business for you?
Crying, broken-hearted guy:
* Are you going to abandon me if I don't do this for you?
* Why is that every girl I meet sees a wallet in a pair of pants?
Funny:
* When you said, "Size is important," I didn't know you meant my wallet.
It definitely takes more courage to say no. Especially if it is to someone that loves you.
youve got more money to burn than me
I think what you might be doing is taking care of others BEFORE you take care of YOURSELF.
Other adults need to take care of their own stuff.. if they want a car, let them go buy one.. if someone needs money, let them get a job.
we have to take care of ourselves first and foremost. and passing out money isn't "helping" others to learn responsibilities to themselves.in fact, it gives them an opportunity to use you.
You don't have to feel guilty about saying NO. Let go of the guilt. It's not your fault someone needs money... and you aren't responsible for their well-being.'
It's my policy to never loan money -- i just won't do it. People never repay us... if a friend needs something (gas in their car for a job interview, food for their child, or some necessity), i might opt to help by buying the item they need, but NOT lending the acutal money.
I have had a lot of dire financial struggles over the last several years, and have managed without borrowing money. If i can do it, others can, too. I don't even have a car, so this response isn't being written by someone who has anything spectacular in life or a huge income.
You will find a lot of resources about this question if you do a Yahoo! search on HOW TO SAY NO.
take care.
there comes a point in life when you have to say to yourself no i refuse to be a door mat... as well as learning not to make the same mistakes over & over again ...please stop setting yourself up because at this point you have no one to blame but yourself.. its ok to be a giver but its also with wisdom too... you have to balance it all out and weigh it out in good judgement . give people a chance to like you & get to know the real you before you buy them off and say this is all i have to offer..please like me see see im a good person. direct your need for assurance back to your confidence in knowing what is right from wrong maybe this will grow a stronger backbone.
It wouldn't be a bad idea to see a therapist for help.
charles, you have one far fetched off answer
This is all about striking a balance between being passive and being aggressive. It's called being assertive.
It takes time to become assertive. Most people are born either passive or aggressive. Then you have to tune yourself into becoming assertive.
Think about why do you say yes? Is it because your fear rejection? Is it because you think they would not like you anymore if you said no? Start liking yourself and the rest will follow. Goodluck!
It does take more courage to say no than to say yes but sooner or later you need to wake up and see that your not saying no leaves room for ppl to mess with you and to use you, then you will never tell if people like you for you or what you do for them. Start saying no friend, its a good thing to do to see who your true friends are.
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