Dating someone with cancer.....?

Question:

I've been sort of dating this guy who was diagnosed with kidney cancer. He had his kidney removed, then 1 year later they found some spots on his lungs. They treated him with interleukin therapy which seemed to halt the growth for now, but I think he is just waiting for the day when it starts growing again and they tell him there is nothing they can do. I met him 2 months ago. I just can't figure out exactly what he wants, it doesn't matter to me that he has cancer, but he is so hot and cold, i just don't know what to think. It just seems like he wants to party and drink his problems away. What can i say to him to make him feel better about the whole situation. Maybe we should just be friends?

Answers:
The truth is he needs a friend, a steady logical, reasonable friend with rock solid common sense.

Here's the deal - he cannot commit to a person as a lover because at this point he cannot even commit to life and be sure of his choice. He's faced death, and what he needs is someone who is his friend, and who can help him get away from the wild "nothing matters anyway" kind of lifestyle that's taken over his body and mind.

There's a country song out there about "I want to live like I'm dying", where the guy does all kinds of stupid stuff - and yes, I consider climbing mountains and falling out of airplanes and other dangerous stuff stupid.

If you could, as his best friend, help him back into seeing that the normal life, the one where you get up and thank your favorite deity for letting you have one more day - that's the life he needs, not dangerous stuff. You need to help him see the wonderfulness of just plain ordinary life. Depite the terrible things he's been through, he needs to be able to see the world through eyes that haven't been distorted with drinking or drugs

Here's the other part of it, and you may not be able to do anything about this except point it out to him - he's angry. He's angry because his body has betrayed him. He's angry because all the plans he had for his life, even if they were only half formed plans, have been disrupted. He's furious because damn it, it wasn't suposed to happen this way and he's terrified that even if he tries to get back to normal, it will all come crashing down again when he goes to the doctors or has those damned blood tests.

He has every right to be angry, I understand the anger, and you need to understand it too - but he has to get past that anger, gain some acceptance, and start each day happy that he has just one more period of life to enjoy and make his own.

Good luck, it's hard, but it's worth it.

you are so wonderful if you date someone with cancer. you may not know it, but you are really helping him get through it. God Bless You..

WOW POOR MAN ide guess you cant blame him really having all this to go through just let him know that your there for him and cancer well i guess doctors are getting better at this kind of thing my nephew had cancer in is belly rhabdomyosarcama he was only 6 years old when they fount it he had load chemo operations he was so poorly but he beat it and hes here today hes 14 years old now so they can be cured gd luck to you and best wishes

let him know that even if he was going to die next month you would want to be with him and that no matter what you would love to be around him. Also put yourself in his shoes and how you would feel, he feels very depressed and just needs a little bit of sunshine in his life. Try to make both of your lifes worth while encourage him to get out of the house and do fun things, even if it's going on a hike or looking at the stars it's better than him sitting at home or getting drunk. You also need to talk to him about his depression and perhaps he could get medication. It's really up to you and how much you want to put into the relationship and how much you are willing to deal with. Good Luck to you.

He's scared and worried and not sure what to do. He doesn't know if he has a future or not.

Don't take his hot and cold moods personally - he's going through something that no one can imagine. Just try to be supportive. There's nothing you can do to make him feel better. Just be his friend and support his decisions.

(I lost my sister in law to cancer just 4 months ago.)

it would really hurt him if you let him go when he's facing so many problems.
remain by his side and tell him to stay strong.
be nice.

also, you're very nice to date a guy with kidney cancer.
but for your own future and own good, if you really love the guy, stay with him until the end, but if you really want kids, have a nice family life, etc. very soon you can leave him.

or maybe you two just aren't right for each other.

My ex-girlfriend had breast cancer. When she first found out she was very depressed and just wanted to get drunk all the time. I guess that was her way of not wanting to deal with the fact that she has cancer. But she eventually pulled herself out of her depression and started living her life to the fullest. Her cancer is currently in remission but should it come back, I'm sure she will be able to cope with it more. Some days it's going to be bad and others he'll be just fine. He will need plenty of support from his friends. When he's going under treatment, there are bad days when his body reacts badly to the chemo and some good days. The bad days will definitely turn his mood sour because he'll be feeling like crap. He may also be hot and cold with you because he's not sure if you'll be there for him when and if the cancer comes back. He could be "testing" you to see if you'll stay with him through thick and thin. There's nothing much you can say to make the situation better...just accept him the way he is and let him know what your intentions are. He has cancer...but he has feelings too. Don't treat him like a dying person...ever. He can be as "alive" as any of us.

Ok maybe your last sentence is the answer you're looking for. It seems like he is intent on going out partying. It stands to reason that a person in that situation would be reluctant to make a commitment or start a new relationship. He is pondering his own end. But things could turn for the better. the thing is you have time to be patient if you want to wait and see but he may not have time to be patient so an urgent live now dragon has raised it's head. But you never know what lies ahead. As Doris day said K- Sidah Sidah What ever will be will be the future's not ours to see. But you sound like a good friend to him and you are willing to help him. Aren't you?

Honey - God bless you for trying to be there for him. I'll tell you this, by his reactions, he is scared. He's trying to be defiant towards the cancer. If you're a strong person, you'll have alot of work on your hands with the ups and downs, they are normal. My suggestion is that you be there for him as a friend, because at this point, he does not know what he wants. The American Cancer Society has a wonderful site full of helpful information, not only for patients, but family and friends. http://www.cancer.org/docroot/home/index... . We're going through a cancer situation as well, so if you'd like someone to talk to, feel free to email me. Bless you.

Dating someone with cancer.....?

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